Dirty's

When it feels like the world is on your shoulders
and all of the madness has got you goin crazy

It's time to get out, step out into the street*
Where all of the action is right there at your feet

*Guadalupe Street (Pronounced gwa-da-LOOP. See also, MEZ-kins.)

It seems like every town has a Dirty’s – a place that everyone knows about but few people actually visit. A place where homeless snowbirds and tiny nuclear families led by retired frat-boy patriarchs both try to hold on to a piece of American culture that was dying when their parents were in high school. But grease is grease, and damn if it doesn’t taste great.

Dirty’s has one of those cool parking lots like Sonic where you drive under the covered areas. But unlike Sonic, a sign tells you to leave on your headlights for curbside service – smart. Walking in to Dirty’s makes you wonder what this old piece was originally. There is a cramped wood-panelled diner with small booths and stools where hungry truck drivers can quickly get a hamburger and make a dash to deliver their Bootlegged Coors to Texarkana or whatever they hell they do.

I suggest you forego this part of the place and make your way to the back patio. This is a real experience. From the back of the building, the outside dining area forms an isosceles triangle that splits the oncoming traffic of Guadalupe in half like a piece of lardy cherry pie. This combined with the ridiculously reinforced steel cage that incases the place makes you feel like your in the front row of a NASCAR race – which most of the people eating at the place probably can relate to (More Earnhardt fans than Gordon I reckon).

My burger was ok. The meat was a little tasteless, but the bun was nice and buttery and I like how they toast them on the grill like your supposed to do. I also appreciated the way the mix up the onions and mayo/mustard into a gooey mess and smear it on the bun.

I was admittedly wrapped up in the proletariat dining experience, and I decided to bring the meal to a crescendo with a classic Coke float. What I forgot was that De Barge was playing on the classic 80’s station, and I had lost my lactose enzyme since they had been on regular rotation. I began to feel hot and woozy, and if I had been more of a man, I might have assisted my natural inclination to feed the fishes in the Kum-Back Baño. Yeah, I don’t recommend them there. The ice-cream is soft serve and despite the billing, this style of ice cream does not mesh well with carbonated beverages – or 30-year-old, lactaid-intolerant stomachs.

So anyway, go to Dirty’s and forget about the troubles on your mind, you can leave them all behind. Not just Yeah. I’m talking to the beat of the rhythm of the night, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

Dirty’s Kum-Back Burgers

Tastiness – 70%
Greasy Spoon Factor – 95%
Wow Factor – 90%
Overall – 85%