Casino El Camino will make you Supremo Gordo

There are some very cool things about Casion El Camino. It's on 6th Street. The waitstaff and cook will treat you however they want and you'll take it. If you make it through the darkness of the bar, you'll find yourself in a funky open air atrium where you can escape 6th Street. And last but never least, they have Three Quarters Of A Pound Angus Burgers.

When the waitstaff is not on duty, the kitchen has a walk-up-cash-only-window where you order food. Beer is at the bar. After looking over my six options (ranging from $5.75-6.00), I chose the Pitts Burger, which came with sauteed mushrooms and onions, provolone cheese, and A-1 steak sauce. Fries were $1.25 extra. I opted for a basket for $2.75. A word to the wise: they only have so-much-room on the broiler and when it filled up we were told ours wouldn't be out for 45 minutes, fries and all...

Now these burgers are both a blessing and a curse. They taste great, they're messy as all get out, and you will not be hungry when you're done. That is, if you're able to finish.

My first mistake was eating lunch that day. These burgers are delicious but come at a colon-destroying-price. They are giant and seem to come on the rare side no matter how you order them. At first I was pumped. Now THIS was a burger. And the first bites can't be beat. But then comes the next bite, and the next, and the next. I had fleeting thoughts of giving up, of never eating again, of at least becoming a vegetarian...and then I started on the second half.

Don't get me wrong, I ate the whole damn burger. But it kicked my ass. I felt sick afterward. I felt gross. I felt shame. Yeah, there might have been some pride mixed in, but I realize now I don't want the Burger To End All Burgers.

Humbled, I give it a "heck-yeah" followed closely by a "oh-no-please-lord-help me."

Casino El Camino

I ordered the Chicago. I ate it in 3 minutes. It was fantastic! Then came the pain....Right after I ate it, I felt it. Sitting in my stomach pointing at me making jokes. Ha ha you ate a 3/4 pound of meat and now your gonna die. I would of thrown up if I had a chance, but the chunk of meat in my belly would not of moved even with a two finger tango.

I had to just sit rocking back and forth to the funky music until the rest of our group ate. It was hard. I sat in a broken chair that kept on pinching me but oddly enough it comforted me. It was the only other pain that could make me forget the popping and pinching taking place in my stomach.

When I wobbled home I quickly used the bathroom..eh eh then laid in bed. It was 8:30 and by 8:31 I passed out. No brushed teeth, no washed face, fully clothed and out cold. Like I was slipped a beef mickey.
When I finally came to, I looked in the mirror, I put on my fat dress and got to work at 3/4 of an hour late. 3/4 -Just like the burger. We are One now. Me and the burger.

I give the Chicago burger a 9 out of 10. I would of given it a 10 but it made me poop.

Fatty-Boom-Pattie

This place is on 6th Street, right next to Red River. It doesn’t look like much from the outside – it has the same drab windows that it had when it was Paddy McFiddlesticks or Pulse (both made-up club names). But when you walk in, you are in the middle of a 13-year-old boy’s dream pad. Faux rock formations, skeletos Mexicanos, labret-piercings, and extremely red light bulbs.

The jukebox is pretty cool – though the regulars there seemed to be playing a strange mix consisting of mostly unsuccessful progressive rockers who moved to Austin and tried to play the blues (Emerson, Lee Hooker and Palmer?). Someone did play a real great song – right as I was sinking my teeth into a fantastic burger that will be hard to beat by any other place on our list. The song was Mona by Bo Diddley, and it was so good that I had to put my burger down and make sure I knew which song it was so I could steal it from the poor old guy when I got home. It went:

Hey, Mona, hey hey hey hey, Mona,

I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna build my house next door to you,
Can I make love to you once in a while?
Maybe we could do a little kissing and tellin' lies.
When I come out on the front, girl,
You'll listen to my heart goin' bumpity bump.
I need you baby and it ain't no lie,
When I'm through lovin' I'll surely die.

You might look at these lyrics and wonder why you aren’t a bluesman. Pump your brakes, because like the blues, the hamburger is a deceptively hard art to master.

A burger really is just meat, bread and maybe some lettuce/tomat. The same way that they say “Do you want that with salad?”, or “It appears that I have ruptured my kidneys, perhaps I should go to hospital.” Why does such a cultured society talk like Cookie Monster?

While you might have the essential ingredients and the special sauce, G. Love, it doesn’t mean you have the burger. Good thing for us, Casino El Camino does. They got the big balls of Meat stacked like a Mayan Pyramid – weighing each one to make sure it’s ¾ of pound. These roofy-burgers can (and did) put a person to sleep. They also make the fries from scratch – squishing them whole in a press which shoots them out with the skins still attached.

Each of the burgers is named for a place. I had the Kansas City burger, which is covered in bbq sauce, cheddar and onions. At El Camino, the bread and fixings are just a holder for the massive patties. They are awesome. I usually like mine medium-well, but my KC was very rare with a lot of pink and I didn’t mind at all.

I have to recommend the place to anyone – regardless of your opinion of North American bread meat. The only bad thing I can say about my burger was that the bun was a little burnt. But considering that the patty outweighed the bun 10 to 1, my overwhelmed taste buds hardly registered the offense.

Finally, I have to the praise the “devils” in Casino’s “hell’s kitchen”. They are the salty burger-bluesmen who prove that good food, like good music, comes from pain – usually the diners’. When I asked for mustard on my KC – the cook stared at me and wordlessly finger-flicked a yellow plastic tube. He then condensed all of the salutary post-order information into, "Name? 25 minutes.”

No love left for the patrons…what do you think's in the burgers?


Casino El Camino

Tastiness – 98%
Greasy Spoon Factor – 96%
Heavy Metal Factor – 93%
Overall Rating – 96%

Rolling the Dice at Casino el Camino

If you haven't yet been to Casino El Camino, you're really missing one of Austin's best bars. Located on infamous 6th Street near Red River, Casino El Camino is the type of place you go to drink Pabst tall boys, shoot pool on red felt tables, and listen to one of the most comprehensive jukeboxes in Austin.

Every person who has ever visited me in Austin has been treated to time at the Casino. Nobody has ever left disappointed. The bartenders make stiff, competent drinks and the beer selection, bottles and cans, is decent. Not much on tap, but this is a dive, not some Gingerman/Draught House/Dog and Duck wanker pub.

We ordered beers and sat on the back patio, which has gotten more attention from the bar since the anti-smoking ordinance went into effect. Someone complained of the smell, which could have been coming off the back alley or been caused by this guy.

Other, lamer reviewers might make a big deal about the smell, but you do have to remember you're on 6th Street. It smells on 6th Street.


Ordering is a process, but it is efficient if a little surly. You tell the dude at the kitchen window what you want, he tells you how much it is. All prices include tax, so there's no fumbling for pennies here. Two guys cook on one grill, so it will take a while to get your burger. But if you're in a hurry, you shouldn't be eating here anyway.

I ordered the Amarillo, which is 3/4 pounds of beef served up with pepperjack cheese and roasted serrano peppers. The burgers come cooked medium, regardless of what you tell the chef. And special requests usually get you a blank stare, so it's best just to order your burger, pay or put it on your tab, and come back when they tell you.

Our table's order was split. Two people got their burgers before me, and I had to drink my beer while they chewed and slurped and moaned. Finally, the cook barked my name from the doorway, and I was on my way.


The burger was hot, the basket of fries I ordered was also hot. The fries, by the way, start as whole potatoes that are cut and fried on the spot. Thick, greasy, and delicious.

Nothing about this burger fails. Meat spills from under the bun like a fat girl's ass in a bikini, but in this case it's a sight of beauty. Cheese is always melted perfectly, and the bun is grilled alongside the beef.

Each bite was juicy, beefy bliss. I was just hungry enough and just drunk enough not to respect this burger, and I wolfed it down in fifteen minutes. I payed my dues for the rest of the night as the burger worked my guts, but I can't blame the burger. It hurt me because it loved me.



The burgers at Dirty Martin's are 19-year-old skinny teases compared to this—the plump madam of the whorehouse who knows positions that are illegal to even mention in fifteen states. This burger makes you feel both very dirty and very, very good. I give the burger a 9, but I must admit Casino el Camino was my favorite coming into this search. Still, the burger is really fucking great.

Dirty's

When it feels like the world is on your shoulders
and all of the madness has got you goin crazy

It's time to get out, step out into the street*
Where all of the action is right there at your feet

*Guadalupe Street (Pronounced gwa-da-LOOP. See also, MEZ-kins.)

It seems like every town has a Dirty’s – a place that everyone knows about but few people actually visit. A place where homeless snowbirds and tiny nuclear families led by retired frat-boy patriarchs both try to hold on to a piece of American culture that was dying when their parents were in high school. But grease is grease, and damn if it doesn’t taste great.

Dirty’s has one of those cool parking lots like Sonic where you drive under the covered areas. But unlike Sonic, a sign tells you to leave on your headlights for curbside service – smart. Walking in to Dirty’s makes you wonder what this old piece was originally. There is a cramped wood-panelled diner with small booths and stools where hungry truck drivers can quickly get a hamburger and make a dash to deliver their Bootlegged Coors to Texarkana or whatever they hell they do.

I suggest you forego this part of the place and make your way to the back patio. This is a real experience. From the back of the building, the outside dining area forms an isosceles triangle that splits the oncoming traffic of Guadalupe in half like a piece of lardy cherry pie. This combined with the ridiculously reinforced steel cage that incases the place makes you feel like your in the front row of a NASCAR race – which most of the people eating at the place probably can relate to (More Earnhardt fans than Gordon I reckon).

My burger was ok. The meat was a little tasteless, but the bun was nice and buttery and I like how they toast them on the grill like your supposed to do. I also appreciated the way the mix up the onions and mayo/mustard into a gooey mess and smear it on the bun.

I was admittedly wrapped up in the proletariat dining experience, and I decided to bring the meal to a crescendo with a classic Coke float. What I forgot was that De Barge was playing on the classic 80’s station, and I had lost my lactose enzyme since they had been on regular rotation. I began to feel hot and woozy, and if I had been more of a man, I might have assisted my natural inclination to feed the fishes in the Kum-Back Baño. Yeah, I don’t recommend them there. The ice-cream is soft serve and despite the billing, this style of ice cream does not mesh well with carbonated beverages – or 30-year-old, lactaid-intolerant stomachs.

So anyway, go to Dirty’s and forget about the troubles on your mind, you can leave them all behind. Not just Yeah. I’m talking to the beat of the rhythm of the night, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

Dirty’s Kum-Back Burgers

Tastiness – 70%
Greasy Spoon Factor – 95%
Wow Factor – 90%
Overall – 85%

Dirty Martin's

The search for the Best Burger In Austin (BBIA) started, for me at least, when Lucy's Boatyard closed (they put something in those burgers that spoke to me on multiple levels...).

I've driven by Dirty Martin's many times and never thought to stop. The full name of the place seems to be Dirty Martin's Kum-Bak Place, which makes me uncomfortable. But I'd heard that the burgers were good, and that'll make up for a lot. Ambiance really isn't a word that should be used with Dirty's, it's an unassuming burger joint with an easy going attitude. We ate outside in the gated patio as Guadalupe traffic buzzed.

The Large Cheese Burger ($4.85) has two thin patties and comes with mayo, pickle, and tomato. Fries or any sides are extra. I axed the mayo and got it on a wheat bun w/out a hitch. In no time, our burgers came--as ordered--and the real test came.

The patties are thin, so don't expect juiciness. But expect flavor, of which mine had plenty. The melted cheese and the generous pickles and tomatoes were enough to get a couple of yum-burger-nods. But it was over too soon, and I was left to look longingly across the table at the basket of fries and onion rings my companions wisely thought to order.

I did order a chocolate milkshake but sadly it was was mediocre at best.

Next time I'd take more advantage of the half price apps and get some more fixin's on the burger to make it more substantial.

Dirty Pros: tasty burger, ample parking, beer, and outside eating area.
Dirty Cons: Smallish burgers, imposing signage, and mediocre shakes.

Result: A pretty good burger! But left me wanting more...

Dirty's Burger Taste Test

I am not a big fan of the Dirty's regular burger and here’s why. I ordered the regular instead of the large because, well, I'm girl and I thought it would be just the right amount of food. Even though the waitress warned me about the size, I ordered it. She was right. It was small—it was small even for me.



The fries were ok. The onion rings looked nice, but they tasted like old grease. They did serve Coke products, but I opted for a beer, which they mistakenly didn't charge us for two of them. That was nice.



The atmosphere was interesting. A weird guy was trying to get my attention, so I did one of those "pretend-not-to-notice look arounds." It worked. I have to admit that there's something kind of nice being outside right in the middle of Guadalupe, hearing the cars drive by, hanging with friends, and listening to '80s music.

I give Dirty’s a 4 out of 10. Let the quest continue.

Dirty Martin's 2/21/2007

I like Dirty's because it reminds me of a brief tryst I had with this girl I knew in college who had Tourette Syndrome. We ate there once, and it was one of the few places where we ate together before she moved to New York.

I ordered the appetizer sampler for the table, which was half-priced. I liked the fried broccoli and the corn nuggets. Everything else was mediocre. And the sampler was served with ranch, which is fine for your fried mushrooms, but not a good choice for fried cheese sticks. Who eats fried cheese with ranch dressing? Germans pretending to be Americans so they can learn our secrets, that's who. If you see someone enjoying fried cheese with ranch dressing, call Homeland Security. Seriously.

The main event was a double cheeseburger with extra pickles and mustard. I'm not an overly fat man, nor do I think the only way to enjoy a burger is to eat a pound of it at a time. But the normal burgers at Dirty's are small. Their regular burger would be a "junior" burger at most other places. So the double burger was about the right size. The meat was tasty, there were plenty of pickles on my burger, and a nice slather of mustard coated the top bun.

Now, here's where things are going to get complicated. We started this blog to find "the best burger in Austin," and our list is pretty eclectic. For example, next week we're going to the Roaring Fork, which is an entirely different burger experience. For me, Dirty's is where the burger starts. No burger should be worse than a burger at Dirty's if you are serious about enjoying your burger.

I give Dirty's a 6 out of 10. Order it with some onion rings and a pint of Lone Star, and you'll have a well-coordinated, low-rent burger joint experience. If you like fancy burgers, handcrafted beer, cloth napkins, and some hoity-toity with your fries, come back next week.